Anxiety and awareness, with a nod to Mark Matthews.

Get it together, Neil.
Now you’re having shameful panic attacks re: being homeless where, before, you were having crippling anxiety about going to a tree. You can do better.
I had a plan. A plan. And now, cracked… like a mirror. In the reflection of my plan I see an optimist trying to be hopeful, a dreamer trying to fall asleep.
I see how little I was willing to put forward and how much another man was.
Don’t worry, brother. I can change.
Here’s what I want… here’s my statement of intent. And now, why now? Why now do I finally get that the only thing I’m missing is a reason. I better get that out there.
My plan was to plan later. My plan was to do this thing, this beautiful crazy dream of mine, this ‘sit under a tree until I learn how to be with myself’ thing. Once there, I thought. Once there, I’ll surely know what to do. I’ll have a purpose and I’ll be able to do it. In the meantime, fatten up, try and relax, and don’t think too much about it.
God, I’m an asshole.
Would be you believe it just took till today to realize that I could have been more useful?
Here’s my new reason for writing every day: I want to help.
Here’s the “Big Picture” reason: It’s not me on this boat, alone. We’re all here. And I’m grateful.

Posted on August 16, 2011, in Tree. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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